And try to love the questions themselves
Do not seek for the answers that cannot be given
For you would not be able to live them
And the point is to live everything
Live the questions now,
And perhaps without knowing it
You will live along, someday into the answers.
Rainer Maria Rilke
I struggle with uncertainty. I want so much to feel absolutely sure about things, to have a deep sense of “Hell Yes” about the important things in my life. But “Hell Yes” is a distressingly elusive concept for me. Especially where my heart is concerned.
Life is uncertain. We cannot see into the future. And we definitely cannot control it. There are no easy answers.
These are lessons that I have to learn over and over again in my life. When will I learn that no matter how much I long for certainty, there isn’t much of it to be had?
At the moment, I’m struggling with matters of the heart. How do I know if Will is the right guy for me? How can I be sure that I’m not making another in a long string of relationship mistakes? How can I know whether this is the path down which I should journey? How can I be sure that I won’t end up getting my heart broken again? Or that I won’t break the heart of somebody else?
I’ve been a complete mess this last week. The original, crazy, hot and cold girl. And Will, bless his good, true heart, has handled things exactly the right way. He’s been steady and solid and loving. He’s stepped back and given me space. He’s let me sort this out without putting any pressure on me.
And so, in my uncertainty and ambivalence, I’m remembering Rilke’s words. I’m trying to “be patient with all that is unresolved in [my] heart.” I’m trying to let go of my need for answers, for certainty, for resolution. I’m trying to make peace with “living the questions,” to make peace with not knowing. And perhaps one of these days, I’ll find myself living my way into the answers.