“Hold on,” the man in my life says when he sees me. He’s standing beside his truck outside my office and he has a big grin on his face. Leaning into the truck, he cranks the music, and leaps up onto the hood of his vehicle. Then he starts dancing. I’m not kidding. He’s up on the hood, gyrating, and singing, “you spin me right round, baby, right round.” The man is seriously silly. As I dance over to him, he jumps off the hood and gives me a hug.
“Thanks, Honey,” I say, laughing.
“You’re welcome,” he replies. “I thought you could use a laugh today.”
Four and a half years ago, I couldn’t have imagined a moment like this. Four and a half years ago, I was fighting to save my marriage, doing everything in my power to hold on to a relationship that was clearly beyond repair. But at that point, I couldn’t admit that the relationship had died. All that I could see was that I was about to lose my partner, lose my sense of safety in the world, and see my family torn apart. I was terrified. I didn’t know what this enormous change in my life would mean for me, nor what it would mean for my children. I couldn’t imagine that there might be happiness beyond divorce, that there might be laughter and playfulness and passion. I simply could not see the possibilities.
It took me months to face the truth of my situation, months to accept that my marriage was over. I finally had to let go. I had to let go of the idea that if I worked hard enough, I could somehow repair the relationship. I had to let go of my desire to control a situation over which I clearly had no control. And I had to let go of my marriage. I had to let my husband go. I thought I might not survive that moment. But after living for months with fear and anxiety, it felt amazing to stop fighting and just accept my situation. I felt like I could breathe again. I felt completely at peace. It was powerful lesson.
And here I am now, standing in the parking lot at work, marveling at a man who can pull off an impromptu dance recital just to make me laugh. Behind me, my colleagues, who have witnessed the spectacle, are laughing too.