It is so hard to let go. Even though it was time for our relationship to end, neither Griff nor I was quite ready to let it go. First he sent me a series of texts about how much he missed me, how addicted he still was to me. “What do you want?” I asked him.
“I want to find solutions so I can hold you forever,” he responded. (You see why it’s hard to give up on this man?) And so we met, and talked, and explored the possibility of getting back together. Think about it for a few days, I told him, and then let me know. After a weekend away with his girls, Griff decided, no, it would be too hard.
A week later, it was my turn. “I miss you like crazy,” I texted him, knowing where this would lead. He proposed dinner, and we engaged in another round of talks, and tried one more time to resolve our differences. It didn’t work. We are completely unable to approach certain issues – parenting, for example – without triggering one another and ending up in very dangerous territory.
The reality is that I didn’t choose Griff to fit into my whole life. I didn’t care if my friends or my mother or my children would like him. I picked Griff just for me. A year and a half out of a long marriage, I wasn’t ready yet to fully invite someone into my life. I wanted intimacy, love, romance, and fun. And no complications. I’m pretty sure that Griff wanted exactly the same thing. I used to describe my time with Griff as “Cinderella time”, time that was so far removed from my real life that it was magical. He and I danced and cuddled and talked and made love and loved one another wholeheartedly. I have never felt so whole, so healthy or so loved.
Of course, we eventually reached a place where we were ready for more, where we wanted to be able to wake up together every morning, to really share a life. All of a sudden, our differences, which hadn’t really mattered in the Cinderella years, mattered a great deal. We’d never lived together, so we’d never had to sort out where we stood on parenting or household order or money. We’d never really dealt with any of the hard stuff. And though we wanted solutions so we could hold onto one another forever, those solutions just weren’t available. We were too different.
I believe that people come into our lives for a reason. Griff came into my life to show me how thoroughly a man can love me, how worthy I am of deep love; he came into my life to teach me about playfulness; he was there to show me what happens when two people learn to communicate openly about sex; he was there to help me heal. He was exactly the right man at the right time. And though he won’t be there for the next chapter in my life, I am so grateful that it was Griff with whom I shared the Cinderella years.