“It doesn’t sound like it’s over between you two,” my friend Rob said to me a couple of days ago.
“Yeah it is. It is so over. We. Are. Done.”
“And so what are you going to do if he calls you?”
“He’s not going to call. I’m telling you, Rob, it’s over.”
“Sure, Sally. He calls and says, ‘Can we talk?’ and you’re going to shut him down? I don’t think so.”
I’m quiet for a moment, thinking about this. “Okay, so I’d probably talk to him. But he’s not going to call. It’s not an issue.”
In the time I was on the phone with Rob that night, Griff sent me one email and left two voice messages. Which I returned. Promptly. Alright then. Maybe we have a little bit of unfinished business.
And why can’t I just accept that? Why can’t I let this situation play out as it needs to? Why am I trying to convince myself that it is over and that I’m okay that it’s over, when maybe I need a little more time?
The fact is that I really hate pain. I’ll avoid it at all costs. I’m the girl who refuses to have even minor dental work without freezing. (My dentist knows this about me and arrives chair-side with needle ready. I am devoted to him). I’m no better where emotional pain is concerned. I’ll do anything to avoid it. And there’s pain in this place. I’ve made it through the break up and now I just want it to be over and to be able to move on. I want control. I want certainty. And I can get that by convincing myself that Griff and I are finished – and that I’m okay with it. It’s a way to protect myself.
Except that it doesn’t work. The minute I see Griff’s name on my phone, the minute I hear his voice, or read a message from him, I’m thrown into the tumult of hope and despair.
And so I’m working on letting go. I’m trying to stop controlling the situation, trying to just let it play out. I’m working on staying open to the experience, to learning what I can about myself in this place, to seeing what happens. Even if that means being vulnerable and risking more pain. And I’m working on finding my calm, still center, so that whatever happens, I will be okay.