Dating Dangers: The Spectre of Statement Analysis

The Dating Game

The Dating Game (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

So I went out on a date recently with a new guy. The first in three months. He fit the Sally profile: Charming.  Athletic. Balding. Sadly he didn’t have a sailboat, but I guess you can’t have everything.

Anyway, said date – let’s call him Tom, as we’re on to the letter T in the Alphabet Dating Game – had a background in law enforcement. And in the course of our conversation, he revealed that he was trained, by a former member of the Mossad, in statement analysis. This is something I hadn’t heard of before. And for a woman like me, who spends half her free time blogging and the other half internet dating, it’s a terrifying concept. Apparently, it’s possible to analyze a piece of writing and identify where a person is lying.

Please, please, PLEASE, don’t let him ever discover my blog!

He suggested he might analyze my dating profile, which I thought was okay, because – as in all profiles – the whole thing is fantasy anyway.

Hopefully he’d understand that.

Ice climbing in Clear Creek Canyon

Ice climbing in Clear Creek Canyon (Photo credit: oddharmonic)

Hopefully he’d understand that when I say I like adventure, that I mean “small a” adventure. You’re not going to find me ice climbing a frozen waterfall or leaping out of a small plane with nothing more than a flimsy little parachute that might or might not work. Hopefully he’d understand that when I say I like to keep active, that what I mean is that I really love to buy workout gear from Lululemon and so occasionally feel the need to justify the purchase by dragging my ass to a class.

Anyway, apart from the fact that I might have been found out, I was quite fascinated by this whole concept, and thought I’d do a bit of statement analysis on some of the statements I’ve come across. So I started looking, and realized that even though I know my profile is fantasy,  I believe everything guys say in their profiles!

“I’m a glass half full kind of guy.”  Great! I love positive people!

“I would do anything for you.” He sounds so nice!

“I love intelligent conersation” Me too! (And I’m sure that’s just a typo. I’m sure he knows how to spell conversation).

What I learned was that, first,  I would make a terrible police officer. And second, perhaps I shouldn’t take those profiles at face value. It’s great, for example, that a man has visited 48 countries, but if most of that traveling happened before he was six, should it count? It’s okay with me to date a man who says he’s retired.  But retired and unemployed aren’t quite the same thing.

The trouble with the truth is that it isn’t always attractive. By the time we hit our forties, we’re all hauling baggage. Loads of it. We have ex-wives and husbands. Old boyfriends and girlfriends. Badly behaved children. We’ve been around long enough to have more than a few skeletons in our closets. You would not believe some of the Jerry Springer-like stories I’ve heard. (And I’m sure there are a number of Victoria men out there who tell the story of the wild-eyed, crazy girl who was playing the Alphabet Dating Game and blogging about the men with whom she had coffee.)

Even if we’re totally together in our personal lives, our eyesight is failing. Our joints might be giving us trouble. The women are heading toward menopause. Some of the men are beginning to appreciate the virtues of Viagra. Our medicine cabinets are full. Many of the women have come to rely on regular visits to the colorist, because heaven knows that there will be no dates if we let ourselves go grey.

The whole truth is not an option. We’d never get a date again.

What would your “Whole Truth and Nothing But the Truth” dating profile say?

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About Sally

Collector of sand dollars. Adventurer. Writer. Walker of beaches. Seeker of truth and all things delicious in life.
This entry was posted in The Alphabet of Dating, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

47 Responses to Dating Dangers: The Spectre of Statement Analysis

  1. CC MacKenzie says:

    Ah yes, Viagra. That’s a subject I’ve always wanted to explore in one of my romances and I did. My beta readers spat their coffees over the keyboard so I’ve kept it in. That particular book isn’t out until next year. The joys of the dating game and writing romance. It’s all an illusion.

    Great post, Sally.

    • I’m spitting my coffee onto my keyboard reading your comment! I love that Viagra has made its way into the romance genre. “Hold on, honey. Let me take this little blue pill and then I’ll rip that lovely bodice of yours…” You’ll have to share the title of the book, CC!

  2. Mossad, huh? Did he have a six pack? (Abs, not beer, to be clear!)

    • As this was strictly a coffee date, I cannot comment on his abs. Judging from his biceps, I’d hazard a guess that the abs might be quite nice, though 🙂 But I’m experiencing some dating karma here – T is for Tom just wants to be friends. I guess I deserve a bit of that in my life.

      • I never knew what it meant when a guy said he wanted to be just friends. Does he mean friends with benefits? Oh well, friends is something. I had enough “I’ll call your” that never happened to last a lifetime.

      • The complicated world of dating, hey? I don’t think I’ve had anyone promise to call and then not carry through, but from time to time, they’ve just disappeared. I keep reminding myself: It’s not me, it’s them. (I hope that I’m right!)

  3. The Landy says:

    The ice-climbing in Clear Creek looks like fun…and I got a laugh. You need another boat adventure!

  4. I’m not sure what my profile would say, but I do know it wouldn’t be the truth if I was looking for a date. Baggage? Dam straight there is a full set by the time you hit 40. I would have to start with revealing the contents of my make-up bag and work my way up.

  5. becca3416 says:

    “I am a technology buff” – I am addicted to internet

  6. Seb says:

    Simple is probably best: single, has own car, no criminal record, original teeth, no drug addictions, college diploma. That puts you ahead of 99% of the applicants right from the get-go! Everything else is gravy!

  7. Dating is like an interview… and some people will say whatever they think you want to hear to get the job LOL But I definitely like that statement analysis… I’d love to learn more about that… 🙂

  8. What a breath of fresh air – as The Landy says though, maybe you need to expand your adventure horizons 🙂

  9. sakthi5028 says:

    In dating, each one has to make others comfortable. It would help them to feel comfortable!!!

  10. Nikunj says:

    This is a wonderful post , honest and literally delicious . I donno what my dating profile would read but I am sure the date would reveal the true profile on the first instance itself ….lies don’t fly …is what I believe …

  11. Paul Kinder says:

    “Whole truth and nothing but the truth” profile, hmmm, let me see.

    50 year old separated man, in good health.
    Failed Marriage. Boy, Girl in College.
    Planned long internet dating career. Failed after six short but ‘eye popping’ dates.
    Found, much better half (possibly too early, but far too grateful to register complaint with higher authorities).
    Future. Looks good.
    Seeks. Dating coach position with females to compensate for short professional dating career.
    Apply. c/o Deliberately Delicious Advanced Dating Services.

    PS. When’s your next post to put a smile on my face. 🙂

    • Love this! You realize that we have blogging gold here? Canadian girl enlists Irish dating coach… We could have a bit of fun with that! And a man who can pull off a new relationship after only six eye popping dates has some dating advice to offer (or at least some extremely good luck!)

      As for the next post, I am a bit behind as I’m in New Orleans this week, burning the candle at both ends…

      • babedarla says:

        Add an American girl to his list of clients…and if he knows any other 50-ish gorgeous Irish men that could “tutor” me, well, all the better! 😉

  12. So perceptive, as always! WEll of course it’s full of lies, but if it wasn’t – god, it’d be empty! I’d have to say, critical, vain, intellectually arrogant, demanding in bed, easily bored, horribly messy and disorganised…but of course there’s all the GOOD things about me, heaps and heaps and heaps!!! As about you too, never mind the hair dye!

  13. babedarla says:

    I’d have to say: Goofy and neurotic, but ever-so-much-fun, except when channeling whatever misbegotten inner child has been freaked out by whatever recent dating mis-adventure she has just jumped into, feet first, eyes closed.
    And, with that I will tell you the story you asked about that I CAN NOT relay on my blog, because, gulp, HE reads it!
    Lovely man, lives in Hawaii, visits California for The Renaissance Faire and sometime Burning Man every year. Wants to move back here. Best friends with one of my old friends. He’s been sweet to me, and flirtatious with me, awesome when I was going through the stuff with The River Guy, so much so that I blogged about him (http://blatherbabe.wordpress.com/2012/03/29/my-knight-in-shining-typeface/) hadn’t had a real face to face conversation with him till our date, two weeks ago. Awesome date, had so much fun, felt sooooo comfortable with him, then…we slept together! Waaaaaaay too soon! I think he might’ve even started pulling away before he left my trailer in the morning, though, it’s VERY possible that that is just my paranoid neurosis effing with me. I afterglowed for several hours, then got boo-boo faced by early afternoon that he hadn’t come by the booth to see me. By the time I saw him, two hours later, it was because he was hanging at his friends booth, which was next to the privies, and I HAD TO PEE! He made cute faces at me, gave me a quick kiss, but I was already channeling my inner teenage demons, so, I was weird, said nothing, kissed him back and left without saying a word…
    A few days later I messaged him, apologizing for my behavior, told him I was busy channeling my awkward twelve year old, so behaved awkwardly. Said I enjoyed getting to know him, and the “other” part. and would love to continue getting to know him when next he was on the mainland (silly me, though, put in the window to jump out of/door left open of “as lovers or friends” Why did I say that? *sigh*) When he responded, it was lovely, he said no apology was necessary, that it was fine, that he too enjoyed it, and, though he didn’t know when next he was gonna be on the mainland, he thought it would be great to continue. He said I rocked.
    So, was that good enough for me/ Oh, hell no! Of course not. A few days later i was fretting over not having as much contact as I’d like, anxious because I was afraid he was pulling away. a male friend told me I should call him, but I said we didn’t have each others #, so my friend said “send him a message with your’ number, tell him you’d love to chat” Well, the next day, over a bottle of wine, while looking at our’ past correspondence on Facebook, I started noticing “seen October 12th” on all the messages…gotta love the facebook mobile apps., it was telling me when HE had looked at all our old messages, and, yep, it was the day he sent me the lovely response. I was so excited! And drunk! I started typing a message on my tiny flip phone. Let me see, I think I should be able to recreate what I wrote, since, I typed it and accidently erased it FOUR times before I gave up, grabbed my lap top and drove to a place I could get wifi to send it (I’m sure my sub-conscious was screaming “NOOOOOOO!!!!” and that’s why I kept erasing it, but did I listen? Here’s what I wrote:
    “Hey, I was re-reading our old correspondences when I noticed “seen October 12th” on all of them, so I gather that you re-read them too. They reminded me of how much fun it was getting to know you. And two weeks ago was delightful. You, splitting your’ salmon with my dog. How adorable was that?” And, here’s where I begin to turn into a freaktoid: I was going to say “how cute” but instead I said “Well, a way to a man(and dog’s) heart is through his stomach, but a way to a womans heart is through her dog” (yeah, I know, it was cute, but…well, it gets worse. MUCH worse!) I then say “I’ve tried typing this one my tiny flip phone, but I’ve accidentally erased it FOUR times right as I got to the end. Right now I’m in my car in front of Casa, typing it on my laptop.” and then I say…wait for it “Good thing I’m tenacious, huh?” Omigodomigodomigod! I practically said “I’m a stalker and I’m coming for you.”!!!!
    And, he read it the next morning (Sunday) and I haven’t heard from him since! I am SUCH a fuquetard!
    So, sorry to muck up up your’ comment box, but you see why i couldn’t relay this story on MY blog!
    (And, I also hope you see, why I’m laughing so HARD at myself…in between the real and proverbial tears, of course!)

    • Oh, Darla, I have tears running down my face I’m laughing so hard – and let me assure you that I’m laughing with you and not at you. Wouldn’t it be great if we could just banish those inner twelve year olds from our pysches? I say wait until the next time you’ve been drinking, damn the torpedoes, and post this story. It’s so funny. And if this man is worth his salt, he’ll see the humour in it.

      • babedarla says:

        Oh man…I dunno, he hasn’t even given me a like about JULIETTE-EFFING-LEWIS and JACK-EFFING-WHITE liking “Night Memories”, so, I’m pretty sure he’s in “Oh-my-god-she’s-a-lunatic-stalker” mode, so I’ll just leave him be for awhile! But yes, it DOES need to be written! Maybe as fiction! (hah!)

      • The lines between fiction and non-fiction are so malleable 🙂

      • babedarla says:

        so, just had a situation where several of my comments on Facebook got posted to the wrong threads…don’t know how, but it had something to do with posting them from my phone via sms…anyway, now I know that I have to write this as fiction, and work that into the story: Oh the hyperbole I could create!
        How about that? Facebook gave me a writing prompt!

      • It’s troubling that Facebook seems to be able to make connections this way. I had a similar experience a while ago… But so long as it’s given you a new thing to write about!

      • babedarla says:

        it IS troubling! I had a couple of innocent friends wondering why I was going to unfriend them…but it’s definitely grist for the mill! (and John Cusack will play HIM in the movie, haha!)

  14. Ralph says:

    So DD you got to “T” and not so much as a squeak from you as you passed through “R”. But I will survive another blow on my quest to find the perfect woman. Hugs 😀 Ralph x *sigh*

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