The Men of October

Autumn T is for TomI’ve been in a funny place as far as dating goes this fall, hardly able to summon up the energy to communicate with anyone, let alone to actually set up a face to face meeting. Perhaps it’s because I am so perilously close to the end of the alphabet. Perhaps I’m happy enough on my own. Perhaps I’m just not that interested.

But there have been a few dates:

T is for Tom

Dear Tom,

It has been really fun getting to know you over the last couple of weeks. There seems to be lots of good energy between us and we certainly know how to have a good laugh together. But, like you, I’m not feeling that spark.

East Sooke TrailIt is such a complex thing trying to find that mysterious mix of shared experience, shared interest, and chemistry.

Anyway, I’m glad to have met you, and glad that we got to spend that perfect autumn afternoon together in East Sooke Park. What a gift in the middle of October!

I hope, Tom, that I can still count you among my friends. I really enjoy your company, and would love to get together sometime for a beer.

I wish you well and hope that the perfect woman appears soon in your life.

Warm regards,


East Sooke Park

U is for Umberto

Hello Umberto,

October Arbutus East SookeIt was lovely to meet you yesterday and to hear all about your recent adventures in Tuscany. It sounds like you have found your spiritual home – and a second family – there. I loved hearing your descriptions of the people, of the architecture and the cities, and of the wonderful meals you shared there with your new friends. It left me longing to return to that part of the world.

I can’t see things working out for us, Umberto. But I have a suspicion that perhaps you’re meant to return once more to Tuscany. Perhaps the girl you’re meant to meet is waiting for you in Italy.

I wish you all the best,


Autumn Day

V is for Vern

October East Sooke HikeHi Vern,

Thanks for coffee (or, in your case, orange pop!) yesterday. It was nice to meet you.

I can honestly say that I have never gone for a coffee date with a man who owns a blow up cat before, nor with one who plays the accordion. You are a man of many talents!

Vern, though I’ve really appreciated your humorous emails, I can’t see things working out for us. It seems like you are in a real place of transition in your life right now and my sense is that you probably need to focus on that transition first.

I wish you much luck in your search for a rewarding new career and in your search for the right girl.

All the best.



Have you sent a “Thanks, But No Thanks” note recently? Or is there one you’d really love to write? Tell me about it!


About Sally

Poet, seeker, author, mom. Celebrating the beauty and mystery that surrounds us and learning to trust in the journey.
This entry was posted in The Alphabet of Dating, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

26 Responses to The Men of October

  1. yepiratesays says:

    Dear me…hope there is enough letters in the alphabet to find the right one – only joking, is not supposed to sound as bad as it seems to. Its really interesting, and I wonder if the concept is a female one more than a male one, or if its just me.

  2. Jerry says:

    I’m sure the gladiators of ancient Rome couldn’t have been more devastated as they waited and watched Caesar’s thumb, would it rise……..or fall. 🙂

    • In fairness, I’ve been the recipient of the thumbs down a few times too. (T is for Tom, for example, called the “no sparks” card with me first – I did try to indicate that in my note). And I don’t think that my “No Thanks” emails come as a surprise to anyone. It’s pretty clear in that first meeting.

  3. I need to know more about Vern and that inflatable cat…I can’t stop laughing at the image of an introduction to such an oddity. I’ve never sent a “Thanks, but no thanks” note, however I will admit I certainly should have over the years.

    • I am not making the inflatable cat up! Nor the accordion. He mentioned it in his profile, but I thought he was joking – the rest of his profile was very funny. But the cat, the accordion… it’s all true. Stranger than fiction, as they say…

  4. Sounds exhausting…but I am surrounded by single friends who feel otherwise. Timing for both parties makes all the difference in the world. Best wishes to you in your quest!

  5. El Guapo says:

    Did you send these?
    And did the guys respond?

    • These are not the exact notes, but they are similar in spirit to the ones I actually send. I couldn’t copy the exact notes as there would be contextual information that wouldn’t make sense- and also there might be details that I’d see as too revealing. I have on occasion been guilty of “the fade,” but I nearly always try to send a thank you, focus on the good, and be gracious. And I nearly always get a gracious response. I don’t want to run into any of these guys somewhere down the road and feel awkward.

  6. I’m with El Guapo. Are these real emails? Do you not practice “the fade”?

    Also, why are you cutting ties with them so solidly? I mean, kudos to you for not sending mixed signals. But don’t you need to keep some guys on the hook in case you ever need a “just friends” date?

    • becca3416 says:

      The fade, that is what it is called. Guilty.

    • I rarely practice the fade after meeting somebody, though I’ve learned that sometimes it’s best to fade in a POF email situation (for example, when a guy just keeps answering my questions and doesn’t ask any himself…not the kind of person I want in my life). But if someone has taken the time to meet me, then I think a thank you is in order. Sometimes the initial email will indicate an openness to a second date, so some of the emails here are based on correspondence after multiple dates.

      I have a number of “just friend” date possibilities, but none of them get mixed messages. It would be exhausting to hang on to all of these guys just in case I need a date!

      • We need a name for a person who just answers questions and doesn’t ask any himself (or herself in my case). They have no personality! I flush those people in a second regardless of looks! My profile says that I have a three sentence minimum. I wish I had a more tactful way of saying it…but that should be a hint!

      • A three sentence minimum! Good plan. That would definitely rule out the people who start out with, “Hey!” But it’s probably a lot of pressure too. The ones who never ask a question? Self absorbed? Oblivious?

  7. becca3416 says:

    I have a few that probably needed to be written, but I avoided doing so. I need to work on that.

    It really is a challenge to get all of those aspects you mentioned in one person, but when it happens, it’s fantastic.

  8. The Landy says:

    Strewth, can’t help you on this, but good to see you in any case, and good luck out there!

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  10. Oh my gosh. I wished I lived up there just so I could date Vern. Blow up cat?? What a character.

    I like your style of letting them down easy. I always send a follow-up note that tries to strike the kind yet honest balance you use. “Elusive chemistry” is a phrase I’m fond of. : )

    • Vern was quite a character! Not right for me, but even with the blow up cat, a pretty neat guy.

      I agree that we can be kind in our dealings with others while dating. Anybody who has taken that step to contact me and to invite me out has already taken an enormous risk, so they deserve a respectful response, even when it is “no thanks.” I really like your phrase “elusive chemistry.” That just about sums it up, doesn’t it?

  11. Insight says:

    Congratulations! 🙂
    I have nominated you for the “Blog of the Year 2012 Award”. For further details regarding the nomination, check out the link:


  12. The Hook says:

    I hope you find love soon. This post, however, was clever and brilliant!

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