Men, I’m learning, can’t read minds. I’m learning that if I want something or need something in a relationship, it’s best just to say so. As Will keeps reminding me, men are simple creatures with simple needs. Women, not so much. The fairer sex, it seems, are also a pretty complicated lot. And maybe a bit demanding. So to make things easier, I’ve devised a simple “How to Love a Woman” performance scale.
Men, how do you measure up?
This man is fully committed, ten-toes-in kind of committed, and not afraid to say so. He is respectful, kind, and loyal He is open to learning as much as he can about his partner, and as much as he can about how to love her best. He shows his love in small ways every day, whether it’s a good morning kiss, an appreciative comment, or a mid-day text to remind his partner that he’s thinking about her; he plans bigger, romantic surprises too. He communicates effectively, listens well, is comfortable sharing his feelings, and isn’t afraid to initiate conversations about “the relationship.” He is physically affectionate, and an enthusiastic, skilled and inventive lover.
He never farts in bed. Even if his partner is wearing earplugs.
This man is fully committed, respectful, kind and loyal. He is open to learning about his partner, knows what makes her feel loved, and makes an effort to show his love every day. He communicates effectively, listens well and makes an effort to share his feelings. He is physically affectionate and a good lover. He has a keen sense of audience and knows to save the adolescent jokes and behaviour for “Guys Night.” He makes mistakes, but is okay with apologizing.
He refrains from farting in bed.
Not a Hope in Hell
This man has already declared his love for 2013, and that should be enough. He is not aware that he has feelings. In his life and in the sack, it’s all about him. He bolts when things get complicated.
He farts in bed. And thinks it’s funny.
Well, guys, where do you fall on the scale? What would a reciprocal, “How to Love a Man” performance scale look like? (I know, I know…I deserve it!)
Women, what have I missed?
For a little more about what women want, here’s an old post of mine, with links to more writings on the subject:
And if you’ve recognized that you fall into the “Not a Hope in Hell” category, and you’re perfectly happy there, all is not lost: here’s something just for you.
- The Definitive List of Fart Euphemisms (holytaco.com)