“What it is that lights the match for you? Is it even possible to put that into words? So many people would say the ability to have a lot to talk about, common interests could get a person 2/3 of the way there. So, what’s the missing 1/3?”
King Midget posed this question after my most recent post, X is for Xavier.
I wish I had a simple, clear cut answer to this question. I suspect that if I did, I wouldn’t have spent the last year dating from “A is for Adam” to “X is for Xavier.” (Yes. I know. That’s 24 men). Along the way, and as I’ve walked away from one man after another, I’ve been accused of not knowing what the hell I want, of being way too picky, and of liking the chase more than the catch. There may be truth in each of those accusations.
You don’t know what the hell you’re looking for
I’ve tried to stay open as I’ve dated, tried not to put too many restrictions on who I will meet, at least for a coffee. In my mind I need to stay open to the many possibilities there are for love. And there are many possibilities. I’ve loved short men and tall men, men with PhD’s and men who dropped out of university after one semester. I’ve loved men with lots of hair and men who were completely bald, men who adored the arts and men who didn’t. I’ve loved very playful men and men who are pretty serious, men who’ve lived adventurous lives and men who haven’t. I’ve loved men who drive sports cars and men who drive beaters. So I’m open in lots of ways, because I know that tall, dark and rich isn’t necessarily where I’m going to find love. So yeah, maybe I don’t know what the hell I’m looking for.
You’re way too picky
But then, in my “wide open, let’s see what the Universe is offering up this week” dating approach, I meet men who are completely unsuitable. I’m attracted to one because of his positive, fun loving email messages, only to meet him and realize that he hasn’t bathed recently and he doesn’t have a job. No. I’m attracted to another, who is screamingly funny and intelligent in his emails, but who, when I meet him, is almost certainly on the spectrum. Nope. Another is funny on the phone, but over coffee drops constant references to how wealthy he is. No. Boring? No. Negative? Definitely not. Hasn’t cut his hair or his fingernails anytime recently? Ick. So yeah, maybe I’m too picky.
And then there are the lovely ones, like John and Xavier, funny, smart, together men that any sensible woman would snap up in a second. These are the men that I’ll date a number of times because I like them so much and know they’d be good for me. I’ll see them a few times because I hope that the spark might need a bit of time to ignite. But in the end, that spark has got to be there. And about that spark, I have nothing to say. It’s a complete mystery to me why it’s there with one person and not there with the next.
You like the chase more than the catch
Recently a man said to me, “Sally, do you think you might be a serial dater?'” (He doesn’t even know about my blog). Oh my. Has it come to that? Could it be that I’m more interested in generating fodder for my blog than I am in finding a good man? I hope not.
But it could be that I need to refine my approach and be more up front about the things I know work for me (no matter how picky that’s going to sound in my profile). It could be that if I abandoned my open, give everybody a chance attitude, and if I were truly, ruthlessly honest about what I want and need in a man and in a relationship, then perhaps such a man might appear. And maybe, just maybe, there might be sparks.